Of guests and grindstones (for bigkitty75)

[head_psychic]

"Dad, I know this will probably be a shock for you and terribly hard to believe but the Dark Ages expired sometime before Benji Big Frank invented lightbulbs."

"Shawn, save your breath and keep grinding."



"This is ridiculous! That thing is perfectly fine."

"Trust me, Shawn. I know when a knife isn't working. And this one? Is not. It should be far easier to work through the sinews. This isn't supposed to be a saw."

"Why don't you just buy a new knife! I feel like a Neanderthal man. I bet work like this kills brain cells. That is why they invented machines. And Wal-Mart, which, after the end of the Dark Ages, started to sell knives. And that leads to the conclusion that grinding a knife on a stone in your kitchen that has Made in China written over the blade is not how 21st century life in America is supposed to look like. Just imagine some highly advanced alien culture decides to land in your backyard and what do they find? Us! Grinding stones! Providing evidence that we are unable to grasp evolution! Maybe that will convince them to blow the entire planet to pieces! And it will be your fault. I'm not going to be responsible for Apocalypse now."

"If some weird UFO thing decides to land on my gardenias they have other things to worry about. Me, for example. Keep grinding."

"You have twenty other knives!"

"Well, but you don't have twenty other places to go to dinner for."

"Actually-"

"Ah! No, Shawn, you don't. I need this knife for this meat over there to put in on this table so you and Gus can eat it. Easy math. Keep grinding."


---


"Oh, and why is that, Shawn, why is it that no matter where you are-"

"That is absolutely ridiculous! You are so... fixated in your fixation of... fixed things that all you see is the red light of do not want, because it is not going your way!"

"Don't you talk to me about anything going anyone's way, Shawn, because in your little world of bending and breaking rules you cannot begin to understand the meaning of-"

"Understand, understand, why, because your definition of life is as painful and grainy as this stupid stone, which, by the way is a perfect example for your inability to let go-"

"Let go is something entirely different as not holding on or following anything and if you just cut that crap for once! Want the colloquial term? Loser, Shawn, that's what life would call you if it was to sign your application."

"Oh, you wanna know what your application would be called, what your colloquial term would be?!"

"Well, why don't you tell me!"

"Control freak, that, dad, that's called control freak and I am so sick of that!"

"At least my application would be accepted!"

"I'm not applying for anything!"

"I wouldn't do that if I were you."

"Don't you tell me what to owwwwwwwww!"

"Told ya. Grindstone's heavier than it- Put that knife down before you jump around like that!"

Comments

[bigkitty75.livejournal.com]

Gus opens the door to see Shawn waving a knife around and yelling. His dad looks unimpressed, and is also holding a knife.

Gus sighs.

"I hope you're not really trying to kill each other, Shawn you know you don't have enough health insurance to cover damage to any major artery." Gus heads straight for the refrigerator, he stopped to pick up dessert like Henry asked him to. He eyes the elder Spencer with some speculation. “I’ll assume you do though.”

[head-psychic.livejournal.com]

"Of course I do," Henry confirms with a short nod, crossing his arms in front of his body, while Shawn still jumps up and down, his foot one giant, trobbing pain.

"Oh yeah, encourage him, why don't you?"

Henry shrugs. "Well, Gus does have a point." At Gus' quizzical look he dismisses his son's flailing and cursing with a short wave of his hand. "Dropped a grinding stone on his big toe."

"It's mutilated!" Shawn grumbles but eventually stops bouncing and puts the knife down. "Besides, he was pissing off the aliens."

[bigkitty75.livejournal.com]

"I'm sure that aliens can fight their own battles, and I doubt they'd do that by dropping grindstones on their feet." Gus shares a smile with Henry.

"Anyway, since dinner's gonna be a while, Shawn and I were thinking of going through his old stuff? Still in the attic?" Gus looks over all the knifes layed out for inspection, true to Henry, they're all lined up straight and the sharp edges are all facing the same way. In some ways he's almost as impulsive as Gus, only his neatness comes from sheer disipline. And it's not as obsessive, Gus notices one of the knives got slanted slightly, he reaches out to fix it.

[head-psychic.livejournal.com]

Shawn is about to comment on alien techniques and stuff he actually hasn't seen on a Doctor Who episode but could imagine they might include any other day. He doesn't, though, because at the same time Gus reaches out to do something entirely unneccessary.

And Shawn sees.

Sees the ring right there on his finger. Which isn't new, their fake wedding rings have grown into something they're both used to - at least they have stopped toying around and staring at them all the time.

The problem here is that Shawn doesn't only see the ring but sees that Henry sees the ring and knows that his very own hand with his very own ring isn't exactly hidden. He quickly and inconspicuously tries to shove his hand into his pocket.

Henry beats him to it.

His one hand encloses around Shawn's wrist, the other around Gus'. He pulls up their arms to inspect the rings and Shawn can do nothing but panic and freak out at the speed of his old man. "The hell's that?"

[bigkitty75.livejournal.com]

Gus jumps as Henry catches hold of his wrist. Okay, and maybe he might have yelped, just a little though. For once in his life, Gus starts to understand just what being on the other end of that look, that focused Henry look feels like.

"Ah..."

Well, damn. He really hopes Shawn has something more to say.

[head-psychic.livejournal.com]

"Uh."

Well, that's what Shawn comes up with. He stares at Henry, wide-eyed, his face so very guilty with forced innocence. "Rings?"

"I can see they're rings," Henry snaps irritably.

"In that case..." Shawn looks at Gus for help. His dad will never, ever believe them they are married. But at the same time they can't tell him about being totally wasted in Vegas or the IRS thing either, because then they are in real danger.

So what do they do?

[bigkitty75.livejournal.com]

"...Mr. Spencer. Henry." Gus tries to cover the inital squeeking of his voice by clearing his throat and being calm. "We'll explain, but first, if you could release my hand." Almost as an afterthought. "Shawn's too."

Gus rubs his wrist and waits a second. "Alright, we have a very reasonable explination... are you sure you really want to hear it?"

[head-psychic.livejournal.com]

Henry squints as if he's trying to look right into them and then releases Gus' hand. "Fine. I'm looking forward to this very reasonable explaination. Go ahead."

Shawn looks at his own, still trapped wrist, clears his throat and points at it with his free hand.

Henry doesn't even look at him. "So you two can dash out of the door? Not gonna happen."

[bigkitty75.livejournal.com]

"It's, um, all really simple. Really." Gus eyes the door with longing. If he made a dash for it, he could possibly escape. But that would mean leaving Shawn in the lion's den, by himself.

While normally, Gus would ditch Shawn like he was a last mintue blind date... he has the terrifiying image of Henry hunting him down with a shot gun, yelling about how Gus has refused to make an honorable man out of his son...

Gus's eyes stray to the knives that are scarier in this new light. "Ah, look, maybe it's not the conventional kind of thing that you've always hoped for, for Shawn. But I think if you really stop to think about it, this is a good thing. I mean, as a parent you probably want someone who cares and is going to be there. If I'm good for anything at all, it's that stuff, right?"

Then because that sounds way too weird. "Plus this way he'll get benifits."

[head-psychic.livejournal.com]

It's very silent in the Spencer house now because both, Shawn and Henry, are staring at Gus with this big 'what the hell are you on?!' expression on their faces. Only that Shawn is with Gus almost 24/7 so he knows how to snap out of it before Henry can.

"Dad, you gotta understand." He puts his free hand to his chest. "I've never been so happy before ever!"

Henry glares at his son. "Yeah, you look like you're about to shit rainbows."

"That actually sounded pretty homophobic. You are not homophobic, are you, Dad, I mean, with all that peeling and bubble bathing and mete-"

"I am not a meterosexual!" Henry snaps. "So you're seriously trying to get me into believing you two are married?"

"Dad." Shawn switches into 'don't you see how easy it is' tone. He points at his trapped hand. "Do these rings look like they are from a gumball machine?"

Henry just growls.

[bigkitty75.livejournal.com]

Gus resists the urge to whimper. It's one of those times when the need to man up is imparitive to his life and well being.

But, dear lord, he's never had Henry Spencer aim this amount of anger anywhere in his direction. Not even when he busted the power drill trying to break into a secret hiding stash he'd been convinced was under concrete. Really, he should've known better than to listen to Shawn by then. The memory helps Gus gain some grounding. He sighs.

"Look, it's the truth, like it or not."

[head-psychic.livejournal.com]

"Just when the hell did the two of you decide to get married?" Henry scoffs, obviously still not believing a word they are saying.

Shawn clears his throat. "Well, uh, actually..."

Henry gives him a look. "I'm not gonna like this, am I."

[bigkitty75.livejournal.com]

Gus sighs. "Ten years." The faster they get this over with, hopefully, the less awkward it will be. "We got married ten years ago, and wait, before you start yelling." Gus holds up a hand. "No, it's not aknowledged by the state, we're doing this for our own reasons." tax fraud, mostly.

And maybe Gus has spent way too much time around Shawn lately, because he grins a little wickedly and adds. "...Dad."

[head-psychic.livejournal.com]

Shawn bursts into a gigglefit that turns into a high-pitched yelp when Henry's grip hardens. "Hey! No domestic violence! It's the truth, dad, we just are."

Henry takes a long look at both of them and releases Shawn's wrist. "You do the washing up."

[bigkitty75.livejournal.com]

Obviously Henry is going to need time to process this stuff. Gus thinks maybe it's best to just let him mull it over on his own.

He joins Shawn to help with the washing up. Bumping him on the shoulder as they work.

[head-psychic.livejournal.com]

Shawn grins at Gus (and of course makes sure his dad doesn't see it) and starts doing the dishes. Biting his lower lip.

Because no matter what, it's getting more and more difficult not to laugh, just because. Just because of the situation.

[bigkitty75.livejournal.com]

Shawn looks like he's about to lose it and blow their cover. What tiny, thin cover that they have. And if he starts laughing, Gus knows he won't be far behind.

Gus leans in to whisper. "Just go and get started with your stuff. I'll finish the dishes." He gives Shawn a little shove.

[head-psychic.livejournal.com]

Shawn bites back his grin and nods, turning.

But he doesn't get very far because out of nowhere his dad blocks his path, the same way he always appears out of nowhere.

"Married, huh?" Henry crosses his arms and gives Shawn a stern, challenging look. "Fine. Give him a kiss then."

[bigkitty75.livejournal.com]

Gus refuses to believe he just heard that. So he starts vicously scrubbing a plate. He rinses it and sets it off to dry, incredibly surprised that it didn't brake under his grip.

Gus dries his hands, and turns to face the Spencers. He raises an eyebrow at Henry.

Shawn wouldn't do this just because his dad challenges him to. Gus really wishes he could believe that 100%.

[head-psychic.livejournal.com]

Shawn laughs. It's the laugh he always laughs when he hears something he hopes is a joke because he actually doesn't want to hear or do it.

Henry stares, stoic, stern, well, just Henry-style.

The laughter dies down to a nervous chuckle and then is replaced by a look of sheer disbelief. "Oh, you've gotta be kidding me! Do we look like your personal gay porn? If you have that which I doubt with all the hope and love in my heart."

Henry's eyebrows shoot up, unaffected by the small rant. "Well, since you've been happily ever after for the last ten years I figured it wouldn't be too hard to kiss your husband. Shouldn't I be convinced that my son is actually happy in his holy engagement?"

[bigkitty75.livejournal.com]

Gus stands impassivly. With any decent luck this is gearing up to be a Spencer showdown, and the real challenge might just fall by the wayside. Gus would leave, but that would look way too much like 'running away' in Henry's view. They'd lose by default.

No, the only way they can get through this without telling Henry about all the aweful stuff is by getting him to believe they really are married, maybe not for the whole ten years, he wouldn't buy that if they made up a whole song and dance routine. But convince him that they've been working on the marriage for the whole ten years, and are okay with that.

Then maybe... maybe that would work. After all, who better to believe that Shawn would make a difficult husband, than the one who set his standard?

[head-psychic.livejournal.com]

"I am happy in my holy engagement!" Shawn growls. "And you should be thrilled!"

"Oh, I would, Shawn, I would, if there was any reasonable way to believe this crap you're trying to tell me! What do you know about marriage anyway!"

"I know that just because you're not anymore doesn't mean you have to ruin it for us!"

Henry's eyes narrow dangerously.

The only thing missing is the showdown music of a western.

[bigkitty75.livejournal.com]

Gus is really not liking this. When it comes to the awkwardness of being around another family's fighting, everyone would agree that pretty much sucks. That's not the part that bothers Gus though, because he's been around for so many Spencer fights, he's practically part of the necessary decoration.

No, what bothers Gus is that their going to fight over this, only to have the situation pulled back out. Henry's going to be even more pissed off when he hears the truth.

Why don't they just tell him now, anyway?

[head-psychic.livejournal.com]

"So you two clowns are trying to talk me into believing you are married."

Shawn rolls his eyes. "We're moving in circles here, I don't believe it."

"Kiss," Henry simply growls.

[bigkitty75.livejournal.com]

Gus folds his arms across his chest. Usually it's best to stay out of this kind of father and son battle. But Gus doesn't think Henry is giving them much of an option here.

"Hey!" God he hates it when they both look pissed off, and worse when it can be directed at him. "Either you believe us or you don't, it doesn't matter. Let's just get on with dinner, before it burns or something."

[head-psychic.livejournal.com]

"Oh, yeah, sure, let's just shrug it off, why don't we," Henry growls but with one last don't-you-think-for-just-ONE-second-that-you-get-outta-this-so-easy walks over to the oven to get the food.

Shawn gives Gus a look. They have to get out of here as soon as they finished eating, give his dad some time to jump around in circles and be pissed off before they talk again. Means, they gotta start working on a plan now.

Without Henry noticing.

[bigkitty75.livejournal.com]

Gus waits until Henry's not looking and then slides up next to Shawn. "We should go put your stuff in the car while we have the chance... you know he's going to try and corner us again."

[head-psychic.livejournal.com]

"Good point." Shawn slips closer to speak at Gus' ear, eyeing Henry suspiciously. "You think we can still squeeze ourselves through the small window in the back chamber?"

[bigkitty75.livejournal.com]

Gus shakes his head, slowly. "Shawn, we were kids the last time we tried that."

He watches Henry with weariness. "And I do not want to add 'has to fix window' to the list of things your dad wants us to do." Which brings back the whole reason they need to get out of here in the first place. Gus looks at Shawn. "Dude, just use your fake cellphone ring, the 'important' call you get whenever you don't want to do something." Like cleaning the office, or running an errand. Gus gives Shawn the I know what you're up to look every time. "Tell him we've got a case or something."

[head-psychic.livejournal.com]

"Okay." Shawn nods. "That sounds like a simple and plausible plan."

He fishes for his cell phone. Pauses. Looks at Gus. "You think we should eat first?"

[bigkitty75.livejournal.com]

It's a bad idea... but...

"Yeah, I mean, he'd be even more suspicious if we ran off now." Gus eyes the food even as he says this. If it's a question between his mind deciding something, or his stomach. Nine times out of ten it'll be the second one that comes out first.

[head-psychic.livejournal.com]

Shawn nods. "Settled then. As soon as the dirty plates wander back to the sink we make a run for it."